Closing the Gap Between What You Say and What People Hear

Wise Guy

My good friend John Miller recently sent a note to his QBQ! mailing list announcing the release of my new book, Don’t Just Talk, Be Heard! The piece included an excerpt from the book’s introduction that tells a story about my getting pulled over by the police. The short version is, I was so focused on the literal words the officer spoke that when he said “Do you have your license and registration” all I answered was, “Yes,” and well, things sort of went downhill from there.

In my mind, it’s a funny, self-deprecating story that introduces the idea of “communication gaps”—the difference between our intentions and the perceptions of others—and shows that even the author of a book on effective communication is not immune to them. Unfortunately, not everyone saw it that way. The day after John’s email went out, he got this response:

“Has this guy ever been pulled over? What kind of wise guy just says “yes”? A real QBQ’er would have followed up with “would you like to see them” or even better have them already out and hanging out the window. Not just “YES”. The world does not speak literally most of the time it is sporadic and figuratively. Good communication involves listening and follow up. Your buddy was being a wise guy, he was endangering the public by going 50% faster than he should have in a residential zone and then wasted an officers time by splitting hairs.

QBQ: What can I do to not waste this officers time and endanger the public?”

It goes without saying that he missed the point. But really, he missed pretty much everything. Where did I suggest that this was an example of QBQ! behavior on my part, or that I thought I had handled it well? The answer is: nowhere. In fact, the whole story was really sending the opposite message. But he saw it differently.

The more I thought about it, what struck me was that the writer essentially had the same reaction as the officer: wise guy; thinks he’s clever; endangering the public. (For the record, it was not in a residential zone. Also, I would never intentionally go 50% faster than the posted speed limit. I thought the limit was 35. Doesn’t make it okay, of course, but 42 in a 35 is a lot better than 42 in a 30—and frequently would not even have been ticketed.) So even after all the explanation, I was still having a communication gap, at least with this one reader. I thought that was funny.

I must confess, though, that before I found it funny, I was tempted to think things like, “What an idiot! He totally missed the point. And what sort of jerk would think it was his duty to “educate” the author by sending them this sort of negative, judgmental garbage?!”

OK, that was a lame confession. I wasn’t just tempted—that’s exactly what I was thinking. Not pretty, I know, but true. And I imagine many people would have had similar thoughts. But that’s the problem, especially for managers and leaders. What if I worked with this person? What if I was his manager?

The real point of this story to me is that we have to find a way to be effective with those around us, no matter who they are or how different from us they may be. And negative thoughts like mine, even when they’re justified, only stand in our way of doing that. No, some people never get past their sour, negative, judgmental ways—and this can make them extremely difficult to deal with. That’s one of the reasons we have to be so careful about who we hire and put on our team in the first place. But once they’re there, it becomes our job to make it work.

If you’re wondering, there are some specific communication techniques that may help. Which ones I’d recommend would depend on having a deeper understanding of the situation between you and the other person. But the most important thing is to get into the right frame of mind to begin with. In other words, to take ownership of the problem. We can deny and avoid and complain all we want. But the only accountable choice is to look to ourselves and do our best to figure it out. Will we solve every problem? No. Will better communication make a difference? Not every time. But we still have to try.

Got a wise guy on your team? I feel for you. Now get to work on making it better.  :-)

Tags: Communication, communication coach, communication training, david levin, leadership, leadership development, leadership training

This entry was posted on Monday, September 21st, 2009 at 3:52 pm and is filed under Communication. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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