A sales team of twenty people were competing with each other in a friendly, month-long contest. At their end-of-month meeting, the manager got up and announced the two winners. Everything was fun and upbeat … until he said this: “If the rest of you slackers were as intelligent and hard-working as these two, maybe you’d have been up here!”

See what I mean? “Motivation through Shame and Insults!” What was he thinking? (It didn’t work, by the way. The team was furious.) Sadly, this sort of thing happens every day, and it boggles the mind. How can you explain it? I mean, seriously, don’t they know?

Here’s the thing: they don’t know. And that’s the key to the whole problem.

If you asked him, I’m sure that manager would agree that insulting and shaming people was a bad idea. But he did it anyway. Why? From what I’ve seen, the most likely explanation is that he simply didn’t realize his words were insulting and shaming.

The truth is, people don’t generally do things they think are stupid. In fact, people usually have the opposite intentions: they think what they’re doing will be helpful, or that it will connect them with others. It doesn’t seem like it at times, but people’s intentions are almost always good, even when their actions send a different message. I know this was the case with the manager in our story. But instead of running what he was going to say past someone ahead of time, he went in there with only his good intentions, and winged it. The result? Bonehead move! And a major hit to his effectiveness as a leader.

The lesson?

“Don’t Wing it. Work on it!”: Plan and Get Feedback.

Bonehead moves like these happen to all of us, and they cost us more than you can imagine. They keep us from having the influence and impact we could, and from being as successful as we – and the whole team – otherwise would.

Don’t make the same mistake. Start planning what you’re going to say and getting feedback on your plans. I know it takes a little more time, and you need to find the right person to give you feedback. But you won’t believe the difference it will make in your work and life. And not doing it is simply too costly.

“Hi guys,

There was a patient last night [ who was transferred to our unit without you briefing us on the case ]. If you would like help in managing these cases, you need to page us. It’s not acceptable or safe to expect the nurse who wasn’t present for the case to try to relay the message of what happened and what needs to be done. In general, if you want us to see any of your patients we would appreciate a page, but especially when there are unstable patients or urgent situations. If you call the central operator (x-xxxxxx-x) they can promptly connect you to us.

Thanks.”

Based on the facts, she seemed to have a reasonable position. Also, this was not the first communication on the subject, so there was a certain amount of frustration on her part, which I think you can hear in her note.

But, to me, her email had real problems. It was antagonistic, judgmental and condescending, even calling into question the other team’s commitment to patient’s safety. Bottom line, if I had received the note, I would have felt attacked and likely dug in my heels, and been even less open to anything she had to say in the future. In other words, her note would have had the opposite effect of what she wanted.

As we talked about the situation, it seemed to me the biggest problem was the tension in their work relationship. I didn’t feel she was going to be heard on her main points until she first addressed that reality. In addition, I thought the points themselves would be more effective if presented in a more inclusive, respectful, and non-confrontational way. Here’s what we came up with as an alternate:

“Hi guys,

Sorry to have this conversation by email, but there was a situation last night that I think we need to address.

First, I want to say I know there’s been a lot of tension between us, and I am truly sorry for my role in that. I know I don’t communicate as effectively as I should – or would like to – and FYI, I’m going to start working on that. I also want to apologize if I’ve ever given you the impression that I don’t appreciate what you do or respect your work, because of course I do. I think you do a great job, and I know you only want what’s best for the patients – as we all do.

Which brings us to last night. There was a patient [ who was transferred to our unit without you briefing us on the case ].

I know we’ve talked about this sort of thing before, but I just don’t feel it works to expect the nurse who wasn’t present for the case to try to relay the message of what happened and what needs to be done. It makes things very awkward, and, more importantly, raises real concerns about patient safety. We really need to get that information directly from you, especially when there are unstable patients or urgent situations.

I know it can be difficult to find the time – or even remember sometimes –  to page us, but that’s the only way I know for us to get the information we need. And, by the way, if you have any other suggestions how we can help improve these situations, please let us know. But for now, if you can please remember to page us, that will make a huge difference in our ability to quickly provide the level of care we both want for your patients.

As a reminder, you can call the central operator (x-xxxxxx-x) and they can promptly connect you to us.

Thanks for your help!”

Note that the facts themselves are presented identically. But everything else has a completely different tone. There’s empathy and humility. It calls them all to a common purpose rather than being adversarial. Most important, it addresses the relationship issues first.

The result? One person wrote back and said, “No problem, I’ll try to be better about paging you guys.” The other, more problematic individual said he wasn’t aware of the tension, had never felt a lack of respect, and was very appreciate of the work they did, too. (Nice surprise!) So the email laid the groundwork for them coming together and finding a solution that worked for everyone. Success!

Now, this case was a very specific situation. But I had a couple of other conversations around the same time that each spoke to the same primary recommendation:

In any communication – especially those with tension
involved – make sure you lead with the relationship.

What that means is, whatever state your relationship is in with the other person, address that first before you get to the actual content of your message. If the relationship is tense, as in the above example, talk about that. If it’s fine, just lead with some normal inter-personal conversation. Whatever the situation, tend to the relationship first, then get to the message itself.

Why? Because it’s a great way to be heard. The fact is, the quality of your relationship with someone dictates how open they are to what you have to say.

Think of it this way: The message you want to communicate is like a hot, fresh pizza. You’re the delivery person. The other person is in their house, and the relationship is the door. If the relationship is good, the door opens, the pizza is received. (Yum!) If not, the door stays closed. No pizza. Very sad.

Don’t let those pizzas go to waste! Take the time, plan out what you’re going to say, and as much as possible, lead with the relationship.

The idea grew out of a habit of mine to take this week between Christmas and New Year’s to reflect on the year past, and think about the one to come. But really, it’s a little reflection and a lot of thinking about the year to come. What am I going to do next year? What am I excited about? Where are things going to be this time next year? It’s a fun and helpful process, but since this New Year’s Day will also New Decade’s Day, I’m changing things a bit this year. Instead of focusing only on 2010, I’m also thinking about 2020.

How about you? Where do you want to be in ten years? What’s your 2020 Vision? How different will things be then from the way they are today? Most important, what choices will you make, starting today, to put you on a path to getting there?

There’s an old proverb that says, “The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is right now.” What better time than the start of a new decade to take that idea to heart? Let’s plant some trees, shall we?

Here’s a great gift to give yourself this holiday season: 1) Come up with a ten-year vision for yourself that you’re excited about. 2) Start making choices today that support that vision.

One last thought. As it says in Don’t Just Talk, Be Heard!, “The single most important factor in a person’s success is not their knowledge, education, experience, or charisma, it’s their ability to communicate effectively with others.” Whatever vision you come up with for yourself (or your team), your communication skills are going to be key to getting there. After you come up with your 2020 Vision, let’s find a few minutes to talk about ways I could help you get there. Drop me a note or give me a call. I’d love to have the conversation. And I’d be honored to help.

Happy New Decade!

Be Heard!

Back then, I was on the road full-time playing music, and had a band of my own, called, originally enough, The David Levin Band. We played a lot of places in the middle of nowhere and had a good bit of fun doing it. (A sad sort of fun, in retrospect. But hey, we were young!) I should also say that I wasn’t much of a band leader. In those days, I was generally more interested in hanging out with my buddies than running a business. But during one particular band meeting I apparently felt some sudden misguided impulse to take charge or something because I distinctly remember saying to the band, “Guys, this is not a democracy!”

Twenty-five years later, I’m still paying for it.

Actually, we laugh about it now. (I’m still friends with several of the guys.) But the point is, we remember it. And I have no doubt it played a role in that band breaking up not long afterward.

There’s a famous quotation, attributed to Grace Hopper, that says, “It’s easier to ask forgiveness than to get permission.” I’ve always liked the quote, and I’m sure it’s true in a lot of situations. But communication is not one of them. In fact, with communication it’s the opposite. Once you drop that bomb, that’s it. There’s no taking it back. No do-overs. And the truth is, it’s ten times harder to undo a communication mistake than it is to get it right in the first place, if the mistake can even be undone at all.

Communication is too important to just go with your gut in the moment. If you have something that needs to be said, take the time to say it right. Think it through ahead of time. Plan it out. Be on the lookout for any disconnects. And, of course, make sure to run it past a feedback buddy first.

“But I didn’t do anything wrong!” you say, “It wasn’t my fault.”

I understand. And I didn’t say it was. But who’s at fault is not the point. The point is that the relationship has gone bad, and that’s no good for either of you.

Besides, I’m not saying you should apologize for whatever it is you’re disagreeing about. In fact, doing so might do more harm than good. The most important thing here is that whatever you say has to be authentic and heartfelt. Apologizing for something that you didn’t actually do is likely to be neither. And it could even be seen as being manipulative, which is even worse.

What you can—and should—do, however, is express sorrow over the state of the relationship and apologize for whatever you’ve contributed to it.

Example: “I’m really sorry for the way things have been lately between us. I know I’ve done some things that have offended or hurt you in some way, but I sure didn’t mean to. I’ve always [enjoyed/liked/respected] you, and don’t know why things should have to be  this way. I’d sure like them to be better. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know.”

The beauty of this approach is that by focusing you on the relationship rather than the conflict, it puts you in a more open, humble, and generous place, which tends to bring out similar feelings in the other person. Will it fix every problem? No. Sometimes people are too attached to a conflict to open up and let go of it. But a lot of times it will. And either way, it will always make you feel better—a lot better, in fact—and that by itself is reason enough in my book.

In my mind, it’s a funny, self-deprecating story that introduces the idea of “communication gaps”—the difference between our intentions and the perceptions of others—and shows that even the author of a book on effective communication is not immune to them. Unfortunately, not everyone saw it that way. The day after John’s email went out, he got this response:

“Has this guy ever been pulled over? What kind of wise guy just says “yes”? A real QBQ’er would have followed up with “would you like to see them” or even better have them already out and hanging out the window. Not just “YES”. The world does not speak literally most of the time it is sporadic and figuratively. Good communication involves listening and follow up. Your buddy was being a wise guy, he was endangering the public by going 50% faster than he should have in a residential zone and then wasted an officers time by splitting hairs.

QBQ: What can I do to not waste this officers time and endanger the public?”

It goes without saying that he missed the point. But really, he missed pretty much everything. Where did I suggest that this was an example of QBQ! behavior on my part, or that I thought I had handled it well? The answer is: nowhere. In fact, the whole story was really sending the opposite message. But he saw it differently.

The more I thought about it, what struck me was that the writer essentially had the same reaction as the officer: wise guy; thinks he’s clever; endangering the public. (For the record, it was not in a residential zone. Also, I would never intentionally go 50% faster than the posted speed limit. I thought the limit was 35. Doesn’t make it okay, of course, but 42 in a 35 is a lot better than 42 in a 30—and frequently would not even have been ticketed.) So even after all the explanation, I was still having a communication gap, at least with this one reader. I thought that was funny.

I must confess, though, that before I found it funny, I was tempted to think things like, “What an idiot! He totally missed the point. And what sort of jerk would think it was his duty to “educate” the author by sending them this sort of negative, judgmental garbage?!”

OK, that was a lame confession. I wasn’t just tempted—that’s exactly what I was thinking. Not pretty, I know, but true. And I imagine many people would have had similar thoughts. But that’s the problem, especially for managers and leaders. What if I worked with this person? What if I was his manager?

The real point of this story to me is that we have to find a way to be effective with those around us, no matter who they are or how different from us they may be. And negative thoughts like mine, even when they’re justified, only stand in our way of doing that. No, some people never get past their sour, negative, judgmental ways—and this can make them extremely difficult to deal with. That’s one of the reasons we have to be so careful about who we hire and put on our team in the first place. But once they’re there, it becomes our job to make it work.

If you’re wondering, there are some specific communication techniques that may help. Which ones I’d recommend would depend on having a deeper understanding of the situation between you and the other person. But the most important thing is to get into the right frame of mind to begin with. In other words, to take ownership of the problem. We can deny and avoid and complain all we want. But the only accountable choice is to look to ourselves and do our best to figure it out. Will we solve every problem? No. Will better communication make a difference? Not every time. But we still have to try.

Got a wise guy on your team? I feel for you. Now get to work on making it better.  :-)

In any case, that’s the sort of stuff we’ll be talking about in these pages:   How can we close the gaps between what we mean to say and what people hear?