Start hearing the women on your team.

Whoa! Calm down! You didn’t think I meant YOU, did you? Certainly not! I’m sure you don’t have a problem with this. It’s all those OTHER guys out there.

Or is it?

Let me tell you a story I heard recently. A client of mine was frustrated because she, and all the women on her team, didn’t feel they were being heard by the rest of the team. (Read: By the men on the team.) So she decided to run an experiment. She had an idea she wanted to present at the next meeting. She enlisted a male colleague in the experiment, and told him the idea too. The plan was, she would offer up her idea first. Then, 15 minutes later, he would offer up virtually the same idea, phrased slightly differently. Guess what happened?

    Response to her idea: “Okay, that’s interesting. Thanks.”
    Response to “his” idea: “Hey, what a great idea!”

In case you think this is an isolated incident, every woman I’ve told the story to says the same thing: “I’m not the least bit surprised.”

Are you surprised? Is this happening on your team? Are you sure? If I were you, I’d make sure, because if it is, it’s costing you, big time. Share this article with the women on your team, or, for that matter, with anyone you think of as being “different” from you. Ask them, “Am I doing this? Are you not feeling heard? What could I do to be better about this?”

The bad news? You might not like what you hear. The good news, though, is that it’s an incredible opportunity for you. There’s a tremendous source of great ideas and passion just waiting to be put to use in helping you and your team stand out and succeed. And the best part is, it’s completely free! All you have to do is start hearing everyone on your team, no matter who they are, no matter how different from you they may seem to be.

A sales team of twenty people were competing with each other in a friendly, month-long contest. At their end-of-month meeting, the manager got up and announced the two winners. Everything was fun and upbeat … until he said this: “If the rest of you slackers were as intelligent and hard-working as these two, maybe you’d have been up here!”

See what I mean? “Motivation through Shame and Insults!” What was he thinking? (It didn’t work, by the way. The team was furious.) Sadly, this sort of thing happens every day, and it boggles the mind. How can you explain it? I mean, seriously, don’t they know?

Here’s the thing: they don’t know. And that’s the key to the whole problem.

If you asked him, I’m sure that manager would agree that insulting and shaming people was a bad idea. But he did it anyway. Why? From what I’ve seen, the most likely explanation is that he simply didn’t realize his words were insulting and shaming.

The truth is, people don’t generally do things they think are stupid. In fact, people usually have the opposite intentions: they think what they’re doing will be helpful, or that it will connect them with others. It doesn’t seem like it at times, but people’s intentions are almost always good, even when their actions send a different message. I know this was the case with the manager in our story. But instead of running what he was going to say past someone ahead of time, he went in there with only his good intentions, and winged it. The result? Bonehead move! And a major hit to his effectiveness as a leader.

The lesson?

“Don’t Wing it. Work on it!”: Plan and Get Feedback.

Bonehead moves like these happen to all of us, and they cost us more than you can imagine. They keep us from having the influence and impact we could, and from being as successful as we – and the whole team – otherwise would.

Don’t make the same mistake. Start planning what you’re going to say and getting feedback on your plans. I know it takes a little more time, and you need to find the right person to give you feedback. But you won’t believe the difference it will make in your work and life. And not doing it is simply too costly.

“Hi guys,

There was a patient last night [ who was transferred to our unit without you briefing us on the case ]. If you would like help in managing these cases, you need to page us. It’s not acceptable or safe to expect the nurse who wasn’t present for the case to try to relay the message of what happened and what needs to be done. In general, if you want us to see any of your patients we would appreciate a page, but especially when there are unstable patients or urgent situations. If you call the central operator (x-xxxxxx-x) they can promptly connect you to us.

Thanks.”

Based on the facts, she seemed to have a reasonable position. Also, this was not the first communication on the subject, so there was a certain amount of frustration on her part, which I think you can hear in her note.

But, to me, her email had real problems. It was antagonistic, judgmental and condescending, even calling into question the other team’s commitment to patient’s safety. Bottom line, if I had received the note, I would have felt attacked and likely dug in my heels, and been even less open to anything she had to say in the future. In other words, her note would have had the opposite effect of what she wanted.

As we talked about the situation, it seemed to me the biggest problem was the tension in their work relationship. I didn’t feel she was going to be heard on her main points until she first addressed that reality. In addition, I thought the points themselves would be more effective if presented in a more inclusive, respectful, and non-confrontational way. Here’s what we came up with as an alternate:

“Hi guys,

Sorry to have this conversation by email, but there was a situation last night that I think we need to address.

First, I want to say I know there’s been a lot of tension between us, and I am truly sorry for my role in that. I know I don’t communicate as effectively as I should – or would like to – and FYI, I’m going to start working on that. I also want to apologize if I’ve ever given you the impression that I don’t appreciate what you do or respect your work, because of course I do. I think you do a great job, and I know you only want what’s best for the patients – as we all do.

Which brings us to last night. There was a patient [ who was transferred to our unit without you briefing us on the case ].

I know we’ve talked about this sort of thing before, but I just don’t feel it works to expect the nurse who wasn’t present for the case to try to relay the message of what happened and what needs to be done. It makes things very awkward, and, more importantly, raises real concerns about patient safety. We really need to get that information directly from you, especially when there are unstable patients or urgent situations.

I know it can be difficult to find the time – or even remember sometimes –  to page us, but that’s the only way I know for us to get the information we need. And, by the way, if you have any other suggestions how we can help improve these situations, please let us know. But for now, if you can please remember to page us, that will make a huge difference in our ability to quickly provide the level of care we both want for your patients.

As a reminder, you can call the central operator (x-xxxxxx-x) and they can promptly connect you to us.

Thanks for your help!”

Note that the facts themselves are presented identically. But everything else has a completely different tone. There’s empathy and humility. It calls them all to a common purpose rather than being adversarial. Most important, it addresses the relationship issues first.

The result? One person wrote back and said, “No problem, I’ll try to be better about paging you guys.” The other, more problematic individual said he wasn’t aware of the tension, had never felt a lack of respect, and was very appreciate of the work they did, too. (Nice surprise!) So the email laid the groundwork for them coming together and finding a solution that worked for everyone. Success!

Now, this case was a very specific situation. But I had a couple of other conversations around the same time that each spoke to the same primary recommendation:

In any communication – especially those with tension
involved – make sure you lead with the relationship.

What that means is, whatever state your relationship is in with the other person, address that first before you get to the actual content of your message. If the relationship is tense, as in the above example, talk about that. If it’s fine, just lead with some normal inter-personal conversation. Whatever the situation, tend to the relationship first, then get to the message itself.

Why? Because it’s a great way to be heard. The fact is, the quality of your relationship with someone dictates how open they are to what you have to say.

Think of it this way: The message you want to communicate is like a hot, fresh pizza. You’re the delivery person. The other person is in their house, and the relationship is the door. If the relationship is good, the door opens, the pizza is received. (Yum!) If not, the door stays closed. No pizza. Very sad.

Don’t let those pizzas go to waste! Take the time, plan out what you’re going to say, and as much as possible, lead with the relationship.

“Welcome, sir can I help you?” No smile.
“Anything more you’d like with that?” Nothing there.
“Do you want some napkins? Do you need your receipt?” Stone-faced.
“All right, thank you.” Not a glimmer. No movement at the corner of the mouth, at the eyes. Nothing.

Does she love her job? It sure didn’t look like it to me. Now, the truth is, of course, I don’t really know. At one time or another everyone gives an impression that’s different from what they really feel. So it’s possible she does love her job and just isn’t a smiler. But as a customer, the impression I get in that moment is all I have to go on. So, based on that, the answer is no, she does not love her job. She doesn’t even like her job. Being there, wearing that uniform, serving her customers: zero fun, for her. No pleasure whatsoever.

Now, from a management perspective, the question of whether someone who gives that sort of impression should be in a position like that is a great question. But for this discussion I’m really more interested in the question from her perspective, about what’s good for her.

In an upcoming edition of John Miller’s “Be Outstanding” show, Dan Miller (no relation) talks about the importance of finding the work we love rather than just going through the motions. And I think that’s great and wise advice. But it can take some time, too, and is not necessarily the easiest thing to do. So, in addition to searching for the job we love, sometimes the best thing to do right now, today, is to find a way to love the job we already have. And as silly as it might sound, smiling is not a bad place to start.

When we smile it makes us feel better right then in that moment. So we’re already enjoying ourselves more. But more importantly, smiling also tends to make the other person smile back and creates a sense of connection between us, and that’s really the key.

To love the job you already have, connect better with the people you work with.

Change the way you talk to them. Be a better listener. Be genuinely interested in them and their lives. In conversations with people, don’t talk about yourself all the time, talk about the other person instead. Also, talk about the emotions in whatever you’re talking about. Use feeling words and empathetic expressions, like, “Oh, that’s hard.” or “Wow, you must feel great about that!”

There are many things you can do to connect better with people—and avoid dis-connecting with them. And when you do, miracle of miracles, you’ll find yourself loving your job.

Does that mean that you can love any job, that any job can be perfect for you? No. Keep searching for the work you really truly love. But in the meantime, work on connecting better with the people you work with, and see if you don’t find a lot more enjoyment and satisfaction in the job you already have.

That doesn’t mean, however, that I don’t still get nervous beforehand, because I definitely do. Here’s a tip I use that helps: “Be the Host.”

Before my presentation begins, I look out at the audience and imagine I’m hosting a dinner party, and they’re my guests. So, I don’t see them as strangers, wondering who I am (and who I think I am to be coming in here telling them anything), but as my friends, who are genuinely interested in what I have to say. They’re not sitting in judgement of me, demanding I earn their respect or be quickly dismissed. They know and like me already, and are looking forward to spending some time together. Best of all, I’m not frightened at the thought of going out there and making a fool of myself. I’ve planned things out, I’m feeling good about what I’ve prepared, and I’m genuinely looking forward to sharing it with them and making sure they enjoy themselves. And you know what? They are going to enjoy themselves—and I am too.

This might seem silly, but it works for me. No, it doesn’t get rid of all my nerves, but it does help quite a bit.

One of the problems with stage fright is that it gets us thinking only about ourselves—Are they going to be able to see me shaking? Will I remember my script, or even my own name, for that matter? Will I ever live this down?—when what we really need for an effective presentation is to be thinking about the audience—How can I help them? What do they need to know from me? How can I make sure the material is clear and resonates with them?

That’s the beauty of the “host” technique: It lowers my fear levels, boosts my confidence, and gets me back to a place where I’m actually looking forward to the presentation. Most important, it gets my focus off of myself and back on the audience where it belongs.

If you’re someone who dreads giving presentations, next time try the “Be the Host” technique. And, if hosting a party isn’t the image that works for you, I’m sure you can think of one that does. Whatever you choose, try it out next time and let me know how it helps. Who knows? Maybe you’ll start loving giving presentations too!

The idea grew out of a habit of mine to take this week between Christmas and New Year’s to reflect on the year past, and think about the one to come. But really, it’s a little reflection and a lot of thinking about the year to come. What am I going to do next year? What am I excited about? Where are things going to be this time next year? It’s a fun and helpful process, but since this New Year’s Day will also New Decade’s Day, I’m changing things a bit this year. Instead of focusing only on 2010, I’m also thinking about 2020.

How about you? Where do you want to be in ten years? What’s your 2020 Vision? How different will things be then from the way they are today? Most important, what choices will you make, starting today, to put you on a path to getting there?

There’s an old proverb that says, “The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is right now.” What better time than the start of a new decade to take that idea to heart? Let’s plant some trees, shall we?

Here’s a great gift to give yourself this holiday season: 1) Come up with a ten-year vision for yourself that you’re excited about. 2) Start making choices today that support that vision.

One last thought. As it says in Don’t Just Talk, Be Heard!, “The single most important factor in a person’s success is not their knowledge, education, experience, or charisma, it’s their ability to communicate effectively with others.” Whatever vision you come up with for yourself (or your team), your communication skills are going to be key to getting there. After you come up with your 2020 Vision, let’s find a few minutes to talk about ways I could help you get there. Drop me a note or give me a call. I’d love to have the conversation. And I’d be honored to help.

Happy New Decade!

Be Heard!

Back then, I was on the road full-time playing music, and had a band of my own, called, originally enough, The David Levin Band. We played a lot of places in the middle of nowhere and had a good bit of fun doing it. (A sad sort of fun, in retrospect. But hey, we were young!) I should also say that I wasn’t much of a band leader. In those days, I was generally more interested in hanging out with my buddies than running a business. But during one particular band meeting I apparently felt some sudden misguided impulse to take charge or something because I distinctly remember saying to the band, “Guys, this is not a democracy!”

Twenty-five years later, I’m still paying for it.

Actually, we laugh about it now. (I’m still friends with several of the guys.) But the point is, we remember it. And I have no doubt it played a role in that band breaking up not long afterward.

There’s a famous quotation, attributed to Grace Hopper, that says, “It’s easier to ask forgiveness than to get permission.” I’ve always liked the quote, and I’m sure it’s true in a lot of situations. But communication is not one of them. In fact, with communication it’s the opposite. Once you drop that bomb, that’s it. There’s no taking it back. No do-overs. And the truth is, it’s ten times harder to undo a communication mistake than it is to get it right in the first place, if the mistake can even be undone at all.

Communication is too important to just go with your gut in the moment. If you have something that needs to be said, take the time to say it right. Think it through ahead of time. Plan it out. Be on the lookout for any disconnects. And, of course, make sure to run it past a feedback buddy first.

“But I didn’t do anything wrong!” you say, “It wasn’t my fault.”

I understand. And I didn’t say it was. But who’s at fault is not the point. The point is that the relationship has gone bad, and that’s no good for either of you.

Besides, I’m not saying you should apologize for whatever it is you’re disagreeing about. In fact, doing so might do more harm than good. The most important thing here is that whatever you say has to be authentic and heartfelt. Apologizing for something that you didn’t actually do is likely to be neither. And it could even be seen as being manipulative, which is even worse.

What you can—and should—do, however, is express sorrow over the state of the relationship and apologize for whatever you’ve contributed to it.

Example: “I’m really sorry for the way things have been lately between us. I know I’ve done some things that have offended or hurt you in some way, but I sure didn’t mean to. I’ve always [enjoyed/liked/respected] you, and don’t know why things should have to be  this way. I’d sure like them to be better. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know.”

The beauty of this approach is that by focusing you on the relationship rather than the conflict, it puts you in a more open, humble, and generous place, which tends to bring out similar feelings in the other person. Will it fix every problem? No. Sometimes people are too attached to a conflict to open up and let go of it. But a lot of times it will. And either way, it will always make you feel better—a lot better, in fact—and that by itself is reason enough in my book.

First, let me say that this is a really good guy who I like a lot. He’s a senior-level leader with a large healthcare organization. But to suggest that mentoring is a substitute for communication coaching, well, to quote Marge from the movie Fargo, “I’m not sure I agree with your police work there, Lou.”

Consider this excerpt from Don’t Just Talk:

“It might seem like getting feedback would be enough to help you make the changes you want, but feedback only goes so far. Here are some of the differences between feedback and coaching:

Feedback doesn’t offer solutions. It’s easy for someone to say whether they like something or not. Having suggestions for what to do differently is another matter. Coaches have suggestions.

Feedback is not based on your individual needs. The reason I need to spend time with a client at the beginning of a program is so I can assess their needs. Which gaps do they have? What negative assumptions are working against them? What are their goals for themselves? How do their various relationships factor into the equation? Without knowing that, I can’t be sure my advice would be helping them—and it could even hurt. Coaches can assess your needs and adjust their recommendations accordingly.

Feedback lacks expertise. I can say with great confidence that I am not the person to give anyone tips on their golf swing. Nor, I imagine, would Tiger Wood’s swing coach be the best choice to help someone communicate more effectively. (Unless, perhaps, their concern is about effectively addressing the ball.) A lot of people can have an opinion, but advice from someone who has expertise on the subject at hand is generally more helpful. Coaches have expertise.

Feedback doesn’t develop new habits. Say you’re working on a presentation and you ask someone for feedback. Even if their comments help you improve that presentation, what about the next one? Without developing new habits and behaviors, you’ll be starting over every time. And the only way to develop new habits is through a process—consistent work over a period of time. Feedback tends to be a single interaction. Coaching is a process.”

Okay, so that’s feedback vs. coaching. Now let’s see how mentoring stacks up:

Offer Solutions. Probably true, but not always. Certainly a mentor can have ideas and suggestions. But I also imagine many mentors would encourage you to find your own solutions, rather than just telling you what to do. More to the point, what are their suggestions based on? What is their specific expertise in communications?

Individual needs. Also possible. The fact that it’s a personal relationship does suggest that. But their ability to assess those needs is limited by their lack of expertise as a communication coach. (Starting to detect a theme?)

Expertise. Bingo! Unless your mentor happens to be a communication coach or some other professional communicator, mentoring simply does not provide the necessary expertise.

Develop new habits. Maybe, but only by accident. Meaning, since mentoring is generally an on-going relationship, you might develop some new habits on your own based on hearing similar advice over a period of time. But that’s not the focus of the relationship. And it may not happen at all.

With all due respect to my friend who sent the note, mentoring is great, but it’s not the same thing as coaching. And it’s certainly not the same as communication coaching.

The analogy that comes to mind is a professional athlete who has a parent who was also a professional athlete. Yes, the parent has been there. Yes, they were good at what they did. Yes, they have plenty of helpful wisdom to share. But can you imagine a pro athlete saying to their coach, “Sorry, I don’t need to listen to you because I’ve got my Dad or Mom to help me out.” It just wouldn’t happen. Nor should it with communication.

Where does mentoring fit in? I see it as a parallel relationship, something on the side. It’s great to have. And your mentor might make for a good feedback buddy. But rarely will they also be the best choice for your communication coach. Nor should they be. Mentoring and coaching are completely different roles and relationships. They really should be filled by different people.