Back then, I was on the road full-time playing music, and had a band of my own, called, originally enough, The David Levin Band. We played a lot of places in the middle of nowhere and had a good bit of fun doing it. (A sad sort of fun, in retrospect. But hey, we were young!) I should also say that I wasn’t much of a band leader. In those days, I was generally more interested in hanging out with my buddies than running a business. But during one particular band meeting I apparently felt some sudden misguided impulse to take charge or something because I distinctly remember saying to the band, “Guys, this is not a democracy!”

Twenty-five years later, I’m still paying for it.

Actually, we laugh about it now. (I’m still friends with several of the guys.) But the point is, we remember it. And I have no doubt it played a role in that band breaking up not long afterward.

There’s a famous quotation, attributed to Grace Hopper, that says, “It’s easier to ask forgiveness than to get permission.” I’ve always liked the quote, and I’m sure it’s true in a lot of situations. But communication is not one of them. In fact, with communication it’s the opposite. Once you drop that bomb, that’s it. There’s no taking it back. No do-overs. And the truth is, it’s ten times harder to undo a communication mistake than it is to get it right in the first place, if the mistake can even be undone at all.

Communication is too important to just go with your gut in the moment. If you have something that needs to be said, take the time to say it right. Think it through ahead of time. Plan it out. Be on the lookout for any disconnects. And, of course, make sure to run it past a feedback buddy first.

“But I didn’t do anything wrong!” you say, “It wasn’t my fault.”

I understand. And I didn’t say it was. But who’s at fault is not the point. The point is that the relationship has gone bad, and that’s no good for either of you.

Besides, I’m not saying you should apologize for whatever it is you’re disagreeing about. In fact, doing so might do more harm than good. The most important thing here is that whatever you say has to be authentic and heartfelt. Apologizing for something that you didn’t actually do is likely to be neither. And it could even be seen as being manipulative, which is even worse.

What you can—and should—do, however, is express sorrow over the state of the relationship and apologize for whatever you’ve contributed to it.

Example: “I’m really sorry for the way things have been lately between us. I know I’ve done some things that have offended or hurt you in some way, but I sure didn’t mean to. I’ve always [enjoyed/liked/respected] you, and don’t know why things should have to be  this way. I’d sure like them to be better. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know.”

The beauty of this approach is that by focusing you on the relationship rather than the conflict, it puts you in a more open, humble, and generous place, which tends to bring out similar feelings in the other person. Will it fix every problem? No. Sometimes people are too attached to a conflict to open up and let go of it. But a lot of times it will. And either way, it will always make you feel better—a lot better, in fact—and that by itself is reason enough in my book.

The good news, I suppose, was that he seemed to be enjoying himself.  But enjoying your work is one thing.  Enjoying yourself at work is something else entirely, and not necessarily a good thing, at least from an employer’s perspective.  And by the way, this was not a teenager talking, if you’re wondering.  If I had to guess, I’d put him in his late 30s to early 40s.  Also, let me say that I have no problem with people drinking, in general.  (Though 8 beers does sound a bit excessive.)  My concern is with the message his conversation sends to me as a customer, and the questions it raises in my mind.  Does he have a drinking problem?  Should I be concerned about him?  Is he drunk right now?  Does management know?  Is this some sort of drink-friendly grocer?  They do seem chipper.  Is there something else going on?  Are other staff members drunk too?

You see my problem?  Or, actually, their problem?  I don’t think these are the thoughts they want me to have while I’m in their store.  I think they’d rather I was thinking what great service they give me, and how well cared for, understood and appreciated I feel when I’m there.

Now, to be fair, I do feel cared for, understood and appreciated by this particular store.  I’m a loyal customer.  So, this situation wasn’t really a problem for me.  But what if I didn’t already feel that way?  What if I was still forming my opinions as to whether I wanted to shop there?  That phone call scene might be all it took for me to decide to go somewhere else.  Can they really afford to drive people to their competitors?

At the very least, it was a lost opportunity.  Think of the difference if he had been focused on me instead.  If, as he saw me approach, he had offered a quick smile and said, “How are you doing today?  Anything I can help you find?”   Rather then pushing me away, he would have anchored in my mind the very messages they want to send.  Isn’t that the better way to go?

“I care about you. How can I help?”  These are the messages you want send.  So, whenever a customer is within eyesight or ear-shot, don’t have personal conversations with other staff, side discussions about work issues, or cell phone conversations with drinking buddies.  Just keep the focus on the customer, and how you can serve them.

When does it not make sense?  Pretty much anytime other than that.  For instance,  I’m trying to order a pizza.  They put me on hold.  It’s taking forever.  My life is passing before my eyes, it’s taking so long.  Finally, they come back on:  ”Can I help you?”

“I’d like to order a pizza for delivery.”

“Not a problem.”

No.  That’s not right.  Putting aside the fact that I’ve been on hold so long that I missed my kid’s graduation, you guys sell pizzas.  I’m not asking for anything out of the ordinary, not asking for any special favors.  I’m just ordering a pizza.  So under no scenario is it appropriate that you might have considered that to be an imposition.  You see what I’m saying?  But when you say, “Not a problem”, that’s what I have to wonder.  Your words send my mind off to processing land where I have to spend considerable time and energy sorting out the mess. Does he really think I’m imposing?  Probably not.  He seems nice enough.  But still, what if he does?  Should I be pissed?  I think I might be pissed. How dare he?  Who does he think he is? And so on.  Is that helpful to you?  Is “difficult-struggle-anger” the association you want me to have with your services?  I don’t think so.

I know.  I’m ranting.  Sorry.  But I’m hearing this all the time now, in all the wrong situations, and it’s driving me nuts.

Instead of “not a problem,” say, “okay, great” or “fantastic, what would you like?” or “great, thanks for calling.”  Something like that.  Also, sometimes I hear people say “not a problem” in response to “thank you.”  Again, please don’t.  Unless it was a special favor, that sends the wrong message.  Much better would be a simple, “you’re welcome” or “happy to help.”

This might seem like a small thing to get so worked up about.  (And some of it might just be me.)  But at the same time, the things we say matter.  The words we choose have specific meanings.  So it’s better to use the right ones.  It’s clearer, more respectful, and ultimately more effective.  It’s certainly easier on cranky old me.