Who are you more likely to refer a friend to, someone you really like or someone who’s a jerk? The answer is obvious: You refer the person you like. And therein lies the key to doubling your referrals: Don’t be a jerk.

“That’s great news,” you say, “because we’re NOT jerks!”

Don’t be so sure. From the customer’s perspective, most businesses are. They’re self-absorbed, uncaring, and greedy.

“But we’re not like that,” you protest. “We really do care! How could people possibly think that?”

Easy. Pretend I’m your customer. Here are some common experiences I have of your business:

- Your website talks about your “Amazing!” products, services, and credentials rather than my problems.
- You talk to me in terms I don’t understand.
- You try to sell me things without finding out what I really want and need.
- I’m feeling nervous, unsure, frightened or frustrated but you don’t notice or care.
- When I call or come to your office it feels like I’m putting you out.
- You’re always trying to sell me something more.

See? Self-absorbed. Uncaring. Greedy. In other words, your business is a jerk. Sorry. No wonder you’re not getting more referrals!

What’s really going on here is that your words and actions are sending major “disconnect” messages to your customers. The three messages people need to “hear” in order to feel connected to you are, I respect you; I understand you; I care about you. But the behaviors above send the opposite messages.

Here’s a simple solution – and this is the key to doubling your referrals:

1) Think through every interaction/experience your customers have with your company.

2) For each one, ask yourself these questions:

- Are my words and actions sending the messages, respect, understand, care?
- If not, what can I do differently to send those messages?

3) Do whatever you come up with.

4) Repeat.

Evaluating your customer’s experience from the respect/understand/care perspective will transform your business. Customers will actually like you (your business) – and maybe even love you – rather than thinking you’re a jerk. Most important, they’ll start telling their friends. Voila!  You’ll double your referrals – and then some!

For the next thirty days, take a good look at all the messages your business sends. Cut out any disconnects. Start sending the three connecting messages. Thirty days from now your business will be operating at a whole new level.

Hey. There was a problem with those numbers from Tuesday’s meeting. We need to get this straightened out right away. Can you send me the original files so I can take a look? Thanks. DL

This sort of cold, dry communication is very common, especially at work. And it might not seem that bad at first glance, but from my perspective, it’s a communication mistake. Here’s why:

1) It’s a disconnect. Whenever we interact with someone, if we don’t make some sort of human connection, the message it sends is, “I don’t care about you,” which is about the worst message of all for being heard.

2) It diminishes our effectiveness over the long term. Once someone suspects we don’t care about them, they deal with us in a completely different way. They’re guarded, suspicious, much less cooperative. In other words, our influence and impact go out the window. And someone without influence and impact with others is simply not going to be successful.

3) It’s the opposite of what works. In order to be heard, people first need to be open to what we have to say. “Connect, then communicate” is the key to being heard, not the other way around.

The solution? Lead with the Relationship. Meaning, talk to the other person as a person before you get into all the the details and information.

Now, if you’re someone who uses email precisely to AVOID all the “How are you?” “How are the kids?” sort of nonsense, I’m sorry. This must be disappointing. :-) But the truth is, you don’t have to talk about personal things. You just need to make some basic, human connection.

Take our example from above. Here’s how a “Lead with the Relationship” approach might look instead:

Hey, Mark. How’s it going? Say, I know this is a hassle, especially with all we have going on right now, but there was a problem with those numbers from Tuesday’s meeting, and we need to get it straightened out right away. Can you send me the original files so I can take a look? Thanks! Appreciate it. DL

No personal stuff there. Just a few extra words in the greeting, a quick empathy nod to the hassle factor (the most important part), and a more personal sign-off. (Closing with the relationship is a good idea, too.) Easy as pie! But it feels quite different and sends a much more effective message, overall. Yes, it takes a little more time and thought, but not that much. And it’s definitely worth it.

Assignment: Try this out for yourself for the next few days, and let me know how it goes. I think you’ll really feel the difference.

“Lead with the Relationship.” And let the good times roll!

Be Heard!

“But I didn’t do anything wrong!” you say, “It wasn’t my fault.”

I understand. And I didn’t say it was. But who’s at fault is not the point. The point is that the relationship has gone bad, and that’s no good for either of you.

Besides, I’m not saying you should apologize for whatever it is you’re disagreeing about. In fact, doing so might do more harm than good. The most important thing here is that whatever you say has to be authentic and heartfelt. Apologizing for something that you didn’t actually do is likely to be neither. And it could even be seen as being manipulative, which is even worse.

What you can—and should—do, however, is express sorrow over the state of the relationship and apologize for whatever you’ve contributed to it.

Example: “I’m really sorry for the way things have been lately between us. I know I’ve done some things that have offended or hurt you in some way, but I sure didn’t mean to. I’ve always [enjoyed/liked/respected] you, and don’t know why things should have to be  this way. I’d sure like them to be better. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know.”

The beauty of this approach is that by focusing you on the relationship rather than the conflict, it puts you in a more open, humble, and generous place, which tends to bring out similar feelings in the other person. Will it fix every problem? No. Sometimes people are too attached to a conflict to open up and let go of it. But a lot of times it will. And either way, it will always make you feel better—a lot better, in fact—and that by itself is reason enough in my book.

The good news, I suppose, was that he seemed to be enjoying himself.  But enjoying your work is one thing.  Enjoying yourself at work is something else entirely, and not necessarily a good thing, at least from an employer’s perspective.  And by the way, this was not a teenager talking, if you’re wondering.  If I had to guess, I’d put him in his late 30s to early 40s.  Also, let me say that I have no problem with people drinking, in general.  (Though 8 beers does sound a bit excessive.)  My concern is with the message his conversation sends to me as a customer, and the questions it raises in my mind.  Does he have a drinking problem?  Should I be concerned about him?  Is he drunk right now?  Does management know?  Is this some sort of drink-friendly grocer?  They do seem chipper.  Is there something else going on?  Are other staff members drunk too?

You see my problem?  Or, actually, their problem?  I don’t think these are the thoughts they want me to have while I’m in their store.  I think they’d rather I was thinking what great service they give me, and how well cared for, understood and appreciated I feel when I’m there.

Now, to be fair, I do feel cared for, understood and appreciated by this particular store.  I’m a loyal customer.  So, this situation wasn’t really a problem for me.  But what if I didn’t already feel that way?  What if I was still forming my opinions as to whether I wanted to shop there?  That phone call scene might be all it took for me to decide to go somewhere else.  Can they really afford to drive people to their competitors?

At the very least, it was a lost opportunity.  Think of the difference if he had been focused on me instead.  If, as he saw me approach, he had offered a quick smile and said, “How are you doing today?  Anything I can help you find?”   Rather then pushing me away, he would have anchored in my mind the very messages they want to send.  Isn’t that the better way to go?

“I care about you. How can I help?”  These are the messages you want send.  So, whenever a customer is within eyesight or ear-shot, don’t have personal conversations with other staff, side discussions about work issues, or cell phone conversations with drinking buddies.  Just keep the focus on the customer, and how you can serve them.

When does it not make sense?  Pretty much anytime other than that.  For instance,  I’m trying to order a pizza.  They put me on hold.  It’s taking forever.  My life is passing before my eyes, it’s taking so long.  Finally, they come back on:  ”Can I help you?”

“I’d like to order a pizza for delivery.”

“Not a problem.”

No.  That’s not right.  Putting aside the fact that I’ve been on hold so long that I missed my kid’s graduation, you guys sell pizzas.  I’m not asking for anything out of the ordinary, not asking for any special favors.  I’m just ordering a pizza.  So under no scenario is it appropriate that you might have considered that to be an imposition.  You see what I’m saying?  But when you say, “Not a problem”, that’s what I have to wonder.  Your words send my mind off to processing land where I have to spend considerable time and energy sorting out the mess. Does he really think I’m imposing?  Probably not.  He seems nice enough.  But still, what if he does?  Should I be pissed?  I think I might be pissed. How dare he?  Who does he think he is? And so on.  Is that helpful to you?  Is “difficult-struggle-anger” the association you want me to have with your services?  I don’t think so.

I know.  I’m ranting.  Sorry.  But I’m hearing this all the time now, in all the wrong situations, and it’s driving me nuts.

Instead of “not a problem,” say, “okay, great” or “fantastic, what would you like?” or “great, thanks for calling.”  Something like that.  Also, sometimes I hear people say “not a problem” in response to “thank you.”  Again, please don’t.  Unless it was a special favor, that sends the wrong message.  Much better would be a simple, “you’re welcome” or “happy to help.”

This might seem like a small thing to get so worked up about.  (And some of it might just be me.)  But at the same time, the things we say matter.  The words we choose have specific meanings.  So it’s better to use the right ones.  It’s clearer, more respectful, and ultimately more effective.  It’s certainly easier on cranky old me.