Who are you more likely to refer a friend to, someone you really like or someone who’s a jerk? The answer is obvious: You refer the person you like. And therein lies the key to doubling your referrals: Don’t be a jerk.

“That’s great news,” you say, “because we’re NOT jerks!”

Don’t be so sure. From the customer’s perspective, most businesses are. They’re self-absorbed, uncaring, and greedy.

“But we’re not like that,” you protest. “We really do care! How could people possibly think that?”

Easy. Pretend I’m your customer. Here are some common experiences I have of your business:

- Your website talks about your “Amazing!” products, services, and credentials rather than my problems.
- You talk to me in terms I don’t understand.
- You try to sell me things without finding out what I really want and need.
- I’m feeling nervous, unsure, frightened or frustrated but you don’t notice or care.
- When I call or come to your office it feels like I’m putting you out.
- You’re always trying to sell me something more.

See? Self-absorbed. Uncaring. Greedy. In other words, your business is a jerk. Sorry. No wonder you’re not getting more referrals!

What’s really going on here is that your words and actions are sending major “disconnect” messages to your customers. The three messages people need to “hear” in order to feel connected to you are, I respect you; I understand you; I care about you. But the behaviors above send the opposite messages.

Here’s a simple solution – and this is the key to doubling your referrals:

1) Think through every interaction/experience your customers have with your company.

2) For each one, ask yourself these questions:

- Are my words and actions sending the messages, respect, understand, care?
- If not, what can I do differently to send those messages?

3) Do whatever you come up with.

4) Repeat.

Evaluating your customer’s experience from the respect/understand/care perspective will transform your business. Customers will actually like you (your business) – and maybe even love you – rather than thinking you’re a jerk. Most important, they’ll start telling their friends. Voila!  You’ll double your referrals – and then some!

For the next thirty days, take a good look at all the messages your business sends. Cut out any disconnects. Start sending the three connecting messages. Thirty days from now your business will be operating at a whole new level.

How can you get things back on track?

First, know that you have to do it. An ongoing situation like this can be a real problem. It’s a distraction, a big drain on your energy, and the negativity seeps into everything you do.

To fix it, step one is to have an honest discussion with the other person. Fun!

Okay, not fun. But definitely necessary. And you’ll be surprised how quickly it feels better, assuming you go at it with the right approach.

Here’s a guide to get you started:

1) Begin with an observation about the current state of the things. Keep it as objective as possible. “It seems to me we have not been working that well together.”

2) Own up to your part in it. “I want to apologize for whatever part I’ve played in that. I know I don’t always communicate as well as I could.”

3) Show respect and appreciation. “If I’ve ever given you the impression that I don’t respect you or appreciate what you do I want to apologize for that, too, because I definitely do.”

4) Share a positive vision for the future. “I would love for us to work better together and for things to feel better between us, and I definitely think both of those are possible.”

5) Invite them to comment. “I just wanted to share that with you and see if you had any thoughts or ideas for how we could improve things.”

If you have a work relationship in need of repair, beginning your conversation in this way may be all it takes to turn things around. At the very least, it will go a long way towards getting things back on track and feeling better for everyone involved.

Today’s the day! I know you can do it. I know you’re going to be happy you did.

Be Heard!

David

There’s a powerful lesson here for the rest of us, too. So it’s worth watching through the end. (Sorry, this one is a little long. (9mins) I’ll get back to shorter ones next time.)

Enjoy!

Anyway, click here for the story and some thoughts on why that is – and how you can avoid the same mistakes in your own life.

(pdf transcript)

Anyway, here’s a little video with some thoughts on the subject. I hope you enjoy it!
(pdf transcript) [ Note: Near the end, I mention clicking the "share button below" to pass this on to others. To do that, you'll have to watch the video on YouTube, rather than here. Thanks! ]

The cover story of the current issue of the TASBO Reporter (Texas Association of School Business Officials‘ quarterly publication) is a piece I wrote called, “Make your next school board presentation a winner.” But the tips apply equally well to anyone, especially if they need to present information their audience doesn’t want to hear. (I hope that’s not you. :-) But if it is, this should help!)

If you know someone in education – or anyone with bad news to share – please pass it on. (Click on the article title below to donwload the PDF)  And as always, let me know if there’s anything I can do to help you, too!

Enjoy!

Article PDF: TASBO Article

Hey. There was a problem with those numbers from Tuesday’s meeting. We need to get this straightened out right away. Can you send me the original files so I can take a look? Thanks. DL

This sort of cold, dry communication is very common, especially at work. And it might not seem that bad at first glance, but from my perspective, it’s a communication mistake. Here’s why:

1) It’s a disconnect. Whenever we interact with someone, if we don’t make some sort of human connection, the message it sends is, “I don’t care about you,” which is about the worst message of all for being heard.

2) It diminishes our effectiveness over the long term. Once someone suspects we don’t care about them, they deal with us in a completely different way. They’re guarded, suspicious, much less cooperative. In other words, our influence and impact go out the window. And someone without influence and impact with others is simply not going to be successful.

3) It’s the opposite of what works. In order to be heard, people first need to be open to what we have to say. “Connect, then communicate” is the key to being heard, not the other way around.

The solution? Lead with the Relationship. Meaning, talk to the other person as a person before you get into all the the details and information.

Now, if you’re someone who uses email precisely to AVOID all the “How are you?” “How are the kids?” sort of nonsense, I’m sorry. This must be disappointing. :-) But the truth is, you don’t have to talk about personal things. You just need to make some basic, human connection.

Take our example from above. Here’s how a “Lead with the Relationship” approach might look instead:

Hey, Mark. How’s it going? Say, I know this is a hassle, especially with all we have going on right now, but there was a problem with those numbers from Tuesday’s meeting, and we need to get it straightened out right away. Can you send me the original files so I can take a look? Thanks! Appreciate it. DL

No personal stuff there. Just a few extra words in the greeting, a quick empathy nod to the hassle factor (the most important part), and a more personal sign-off. (Closing with the relationship is a good idea, too.) Easy as pie! But it feels quite different and sends a much more effective message, overall. Yes, it takes a little more time and thought, but not that much. And it’s definitely worth it.

Assignment: Try this out for yourself for the next few days, and let me know how it goes. I think you’ll really feel the difference.

“Lead with the Relationship.” And let the good times roll!

Be Heard!

A sales team of twenty people were competing with each other in a friendly, month-long contest. At their end-of-month meeting, the manager got up and announced the two winners. Everything was fun and upbeat … until he said this: “If the rest of you slackers were as intelligent and hard-working as these two, maybe you’d have been up here!”

See what I mean? “Motivation through Shame and Insults!” What was he thinking? (It didn’t work, by the way. The team was furious.) Sadly, this sort of thing happens every day, and it boggles the mind. How can you explain it? I mean, seriously, don’t they know?

Here’s the thing: they don’t know. And that’s the key to the whole problem.

If you asked him, I’m sure that manager would agree that insulting and shaming people was a bad idea. But he did it anyway. Why? From what I’ve seen, the most likely explanation is that he simply didn’t realize his words were insulting and shaming.

The truth is, people don’t generally do things they think are stupid. In fact, people usually have the opposite intentions: they think what they’re doing will be helpful, or that it will connect them with others. It doesn’t seem like it at times, but people’s intentions are almost always good, even when their actions send a different message. I know this was the case with the manager in our story. But instead of running what he was going to say past someone ahead of time, he went in there with only his good intentions, and winged it. The result? Bonehead move! And a major hit to his effectiveness as a leader.

The lesson?

“Don’t Wing it. Work on it!”: Plan and Get Feedback.

Bonehead moves like these happen to all of us, and they cost us more than you can imagine. They keep us from having the influence and impact we could, and from being as successful as we – and the whole team – otherwise would.

Don’t make the same mistake. Start planning what you’re going to say and getting feedback on your plans. I know it takes a little more time, and you need to find the right person to give you feedback. But you won’t believe the difference it will make in your work and life. And not doing it is simply too costly.

“Hi guys,

There was a patient last night [ who was transferred to our unit without you briefing us on the case ]. If you would like help in managing these cases, you need to page us. It’s not acceptable or safe to expect the nurse who wasn’t present for the case to try to relay the message of what happened and what needs to be done. In general, if you want us to see any of your patients we would appreciate a page, but especially when there are unstable patients or urgent situations. If you call the central operator (x-xxxxxx-x) they can promptly connect you to us.

Thanks.”

Based on the facts, she seemed to have a reasonable position. Also, this was not the first communication on the subject, so there was a certain amount of frustration on her part, which I think you can hear in her note.

But, to me, her email had real problems. It was antagonistic, judgmental and condescending, even calling into question the other team’s commitment to patient’s safety. Bottom line, if I had received the note, I would have felt attacked and likely dug in my heels, and been even less open to anything she had to say in the future. In other words, her note would have had the opposite effect of what she wanted.

As we talked about the situation, it seemed to me the biggest problem was the tension in their work relationship. I didn’t feel she was going to be heard on her main points until she first addressed that reality. In addition, I thought the points themselves would be more effective if presented in a more inclusive, respectful, and non-confrontational way. Here’s what we came up with as an alternate:

“Hi guys,

Sorry to have this conversation by email, but there was a situation last night that I think we need to address.

First, I want to say I know there’s been a lot of tension between us, and I am truly sorry for my role in that. I know I don’t communicate as effectively as I should – or would like to – and FYI, I’m going to start working on that. I also want to apologize if I’ve ever given you the impression that I don’t appreciate what you do or respect your work, because of course I do. I think you do a great job, and I know you only want what’s best for the patients – as we all do.

Which brings us to last night. There was a patient [ who was transferred to our unit without you briefing us on the case ].

I know we’ve talked about this sort of thing before, but I just don’t feel it works to expect the nurse who wasn’t present for the case to try to relay the message of what happened and what needs to be done. It makes things very awkward, and, more importantly, raises real concerns about patient safety. We really need to get that information directly from you, especially when there are unstable patients or urgent situations.

I know it can be difficult to find the time – or even remember sometimes –  to page us, but that’s the only way I know for us to get the information we need. And, by the way, if you have any other suggestions how we can help improve these situations, please let us know. But for now, if you can please remember to page us, that will make a huge difference in our ability to quickly provide the level of care we both want for your patients.

As a reminder, you can call the central operator (x-xxxxxx-x) and they can promptly connect you to us.

Thanks for your help!”

Note that the facts themselves are presented identically. But everything else has a completely different tone. There’s empathy and humility. It calls them all to a common purpose rather than being adversarial. Most important, it addresses the relationship issues first.

The result? One person wrote back and said, “No problem, I’ll try to be better about paging you guys.” The other, more problematic individual said he wasn’t aware of the tension, had never felt a lack of respect, and was very appreciate of the work they did, too. (Nice surprise!) So the email laid the groundwork for them coming together and finding a solution that worked for everyone. Success!

Now, this case was a very specific situation. But I had a couple of other conversations around the same time that each spoke to the same primary recommendation:

In any communication – especially those with tension
involved – make sure you lead with the relationship.

What that means is, whatever state your relationship is in with the other person, address that first before you get to the actual content of your message. If the relationship is tense, as in the above example, talk about that. If it’s fine, just lead with some normal inter-personal conversation. Whatever the situation, tend to the relationship first, then get to the message itself.

Why? Because it’s a great way to be heard. The fact is, the quality of your relationship with someone dictates how open they are to what you have to say.

Think of it this way: The message you want to communicate is like a hot, fresh pizza. You’re the delivery person. The other person is in their house, and the relationship is the door. If the relationship is good, the door opens, the pizza is received. (Yum!) If not, the door stays closed. No pizza. Very sad.

Don’t let those pizzas go to waste! Take the time, plan out what you’re going to say, and as much as possible, lead with the relationship.

“Welcome, sir can I help you?” No smile.
“Anything more you’d like with that?” Nothing there.
“Do you want some napkins? Do you need your receipt?” Stone-faced.
“All right, thank you.” Not a glimmer. No movement at the corner of the mouth, at the eyes. Nothing.

Does she love her job? It sure didn’t look like it to me. Now, the truth is, of course, I don’t really know. At one time or another everyone gives an impression that’s different from what they really feel. So it’s possible she does love her job and just isn’t a smiler. But as a customer, the impression I get in that moment is all I have to go on. So, based on that, the answer is no, she does not love her job. She doesn’t even like her job. Being there, wearing that uniform, serving her customers: zero fun, for her. No pleasure whatsoever.

Now, from a management perspective, the question of whether someone who gives that sort of impression should be in a position like that is a great question. But for this discussion I’m really more interested in the question from her perspective, about what’s good for her.

In an upcoming edition of John Miller’s “Be Outstanding” show, Dan Miller (no relation) talks about the importance of finding the work we love rather than just going through the motions. And I think that’s great and wise advice. But it can take some time, too, and is not necessarily the easiest thing to do. So, in addition to searching for the job we love, sometimes the best thing to do right now, today, is to find a way to love the job we already have. And as silly as it might sound, smiling is not a bad place to start.

When we smile it makes us feel better right then in that moment. So we’re already enjoying ourselves more. But more importantly, smiling also tends to make the other person smile back and creates a sense of connection between us, and that’s really the key.

To love the job you already have, connect better with the people you work with.

Change the way you talk to them. Be a better listener. Be genuinely interested in them and their lives. In conversations with people, don’t talk about yourself all the time, talk about the other person instead. Also, talk about the emotions in whatever you’re talking about. Use feeling words and empathetic expressions, like, “Oh, that’s hard.” or “Wow, you must feel great about that!”

There are many things you can do to connect better with people—and avoid dis-connecting with them. And when you do, miracle of miracles, you’ll find yourself loving your job.

Does that mean that you can love any job, that any job can be perfect for you? No. Keep searching for the work you really truly love. But in the meantime, work on connecting better with the people you work with, and see if you don’t find a lot more enjoyment and satisfaction in the job you already have.