A sales team of twenty people were competing with each other in a friendly, month-long contest. At their end-of-month meeting, the manager got up and announced the two winners. Everything was fun and upbeat … until he said this: “If the rest of you slackers were as intelligent and hard-working as these two, maybe you’d have been up here!”

See what I mean? “Motivation through Shame and Insults!” What was he thinking? (It didn’t work, by the way. The team was furious.) Sadly, this sort of thing happens every day, and it boggles the mind. How can you explain it? I mean, seriously, don’t they know?

Here’s the thing: they don’t know. And that’s the key to the whole problem.

If you asked him, I’m sure that manager would agree that insulting and shaming people was a bad idea. But he did it anyway. Why? From what I’ve seen, the most likely explanation is that he simply didn’t realize his words were insulting and shaming.

The truth is, people don’t generally do things they think are stupid. In fact, people usually have the opposite intentions: they think what they’re doing will be helpful, or that it will connect them with others. It doesn’t seem like it at times, but people’s intentions are almost always good, even when their actions send a different message. I know this was the case with the manager in our story. But instead of running what he was going to say past someone ahead of time, he went in there with only his good intentions, and winged it. The result? Bonehead move! And a major hit to his effectiveness as a leader.

The lesson?

“Don’t Wing it. Work on it!”: Plan and Get Feedback.

Bonehead moves like these happen to all of us, and they cost us more than you can imagine. They keep us from having the influence and impact we could, and from being as successful as we – and the whole team – otherwise would.

Don’t make the same mistake. Start planning what you’re going to say and getting feedback on your plans. I know it takes a little more time, and you need to find the right person to give you feedback. But you won’t believe the difference it will make in your work and life. And not doing it is simply too costly.

That doesn’t mean, however, that I don’t still get nervous beforehand, because I definitely do. Here’s a tip I use that helps: “Be the Host.”

Before my presentation begins, I look out at the audience and imagine I’m hosting a dinner party, and they’re my guests. So, I don’t see them as strangers, wondering who I am (and who I think I am to be coming in here telling them anything), but as my friends, who are genuinely interested in what I have to say. They’re not sitting in judgement of me, demanding I earn their respect or be quickly dismissed. They know and like me already, and are looking forward to spending some time together. Best of all, I’m not frightened at the thought of going out there and making a fool of myself. I’ve planned things out, I’m feeling good about what I’ve prepared, and I’m genuinely looking forward to sharing it with them and making sure they enjoy themselves. And you know what? They are going to enjoy themselves—and I am too.

This might seem silly, but it works for me. No, it doesn’t get rid of all my nerves, but it does help quite a bit.

One of the problems with stage fright is that it gets us thinking only about ourselves—Are they going to be able to see me shaking? Will I remember my script, or even my own name, for that matter? Will I ever live this down?—when what we really need for an effective presentation is to be thinking about the audience—How can I help them? What do they need to know from me? How can I make sure the material is clear and resonates with them?

That’s the beauty of the “host” technique: It lowers my fear levels, boosts my confidence, and gets me back to a place where I’m actually looking forward to the presentation. Most important, it gets my focus off of myself and back on the audience where it belongs.

If you’re someone who dreads giving presentations, next time try the “Be the Host” technique. And, if hosting a party isn’t the image that works for you, I’m sure you can think of one that does. Whatever you choose, try it out next time and let me know how it helps. Who knows? Maybe you’ll start loving giving presentations too!

The idea grew out of a habit of mine to take this week between Christmas and New Year’s to reflect on the year past, and think about the one to come. But really, it’s a little reflection and a lot of thinking about the year to come. What am I going to do next year? What am I excited about? Where are things going to be this time next year? It’s a fun and helpful process, but since this New Year’s Day will also New Decade’s Day, I’m changing things a bit this year. Instead of focusing only on 2010, I’m also thinking about 2020.

How about you? Where do you want to be in ten years? What’s your 2020 Vision? How different will things be then from the way they are today? Most important, what choices will you make, starting today, to put you on a path to getting there?

There’s an old proverb that says, “The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is right now.” What better time than the start of a new decade to take that idea to heart? Let’s plant some trees, shall we?

Here’s a great gift to give yourself this holiday season: 1) Come up with a ten-year vision for yourself that you’re excited about. 2) Start making choices today that support that vision.

One last thought. As it says in Don’t Just Talk, Be Heard!, “The single most important factor in a person’s success is not their knowledge, education, experience, or charisma, it’s their ability to communicate effectively with others.” Whatever vision you come up with for yourself (or your team), your communication skills are going to be key to getting there. After you come up with your 2020 Vision, let’s find a few minutes to talk about ways I could help you get there. Drop me a note or give me a call. I’d love to have the conversation. And I’d be honored to help.

Happy New Decade!

Be Heard!

“But I didn’t do anything wrong!” you say, “It wasn’t my fault.”

I understand. And I didn’t say it was. But who’s at fault is not the point. The point is that the relationship has gone bad, and that’s no good for either of you.

Besides, I’m not saying you should apologize for whatever it is you’re disagreeing about. In fact, doing so might do more harm than good. The most important thing here is that whatever you say has to be authentic and heartfelt. Apologizing for something that you didn’t actually do is likely to be neither. And it could even be seen as being manipulative, which is even worse.

What you can—and should—do, however, is express sorrow over the state of the relationship and apologize for whatever you’ve contributed to it.

Example: “I’m really sorry for the way things have been lately between us. I know I’ve done some things that have offended or hurt you in some way, but I sure didn’t mean to. I’ve always [enjoyed/liked/respected] you, and don’t know why things should have to be  this way. I’d sure like them to be better. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know.”

The beauty of this approach is that by focusing you on the relationship rather than the conflict, it puts you in a more open, humble, and generous place, which tends to bring out similar feelings in the other person. Will it fix every problem? No. Sometimes people are too attached to a conflict to open up and let go of it. But a lot of times it will. And either way, it will always make you feel better—a lot better, in fact—and that by itself is reason enough in my book.

Except, wait, you’re going to be an online business. Right. So, your URL is especially important. Okay, let’s see about that. Hmm. “Pen Island”? Good. penisland.com? Oh dear. Maybe not so good.

When I first heard of that site, well, I laughed. A lot. (It’s for real, by the way. Or for sure at .net.) But after that, I thought, “How is that possible? How did they miss that? Did they not run it past anyone?”

Folks, if all I do in this life is get a few more people to start getting feedback on their important communications, I will die a happy man. Seriously, I don’t know what it is about getting feedback that people resist so much. OK, I probably do: No time; Uncomfortable; Hard to find a good feedback buddy; etc. Also, I’m sure some folks just don’t think they need it. Yes, getting feedback sounds like a good idea, in general. But with this particular item they’re working on, well, you know, they’ve worked it over pretty well. Given it some good consideration. This one’s fine. So they make their big presentation, go into that important meeting, send out that critical email, or pick a URL without running it past anyone first.

Does it always come out as badly as with Pen Island? No. But it could always be better, and frequently a LOT better.

Maybe that’s it. Maybe when what’s in front of us is “good enough”, we can’t imagine the difference “excellent” would make. The problem is, I do know the difference it makes, and it breaks my heart to see good enough when I know it could be so much better.

You’re just going to have to trust me on this: Getting good feedback is the single most powerful thing you can do to improve your communications.

I’m not saying you need to get feedback on every single thing that comes our of your mouth, or your keyboard. My standard is this: If the communication is important enough to plan out, you should also run it past someone first.

The take-home message? Get feedback. Get feedback. Get feedback.

First, let me say that this is a really good guy who I like a lot. He’s a senior-level leader with a large healthcare organization. But to suggest that mentoring is a substitute for communication coaching, well, to quote Marge from the movie Fargo, “I’m not sure I agree with your police work there, Lou.”

Consider this excerpt from Don’t Just Talk:

“It might seem like getting feedback would be enough to help you make the changes you want, but feedback only goes so far. Here are some of the differences between feedback and coaching:

Feedback doesn’t offer solutions. It’s easy for someone to say whether they like something or not. Having suggestions for what to do differently is another matter. Coaches have suggestions.

Feedback is not based on your individual needs. The reason I need to spend time with a client at the beginning of a program is so I can assess their needs. Which gaps do they have? What negative assumptions are working against them? What are their goals for themselves? How do their various relationships factor into the equation? Without knowing that, I can’t be sure my advice would be helping them—and it could even hurt. Coaches can assess your needs and adjust their recommendations accordingly.

Feedback lacks expertise. I can say with great confidence that I am not the person to give anyone tips on their golf swing. Nor, I imagine, would Tiger Wood’s swing coach be the best choice to help someone communicate more effectively. (Unless, perhaps, their concern is about effectively addressing the ball.) A lot of people can have an opinion, but advice from someone who has expertise on the subject at hand is generally more helpful. Coaches have expertise.

Feedback doesn’t develop new habits. Say you’re working on a presentation and you ask someone for feedback. Even if their comments help you improve that presentation, what about the next one? Without developing new habits and behaviors, you’ll be starting over every time. And the only way to develop new habits is through a process—consistent work over a period of time. Feedback tends to be a single interaction. Coaching is a process.”

Okay, so that’s feedback vs. coaching. Now let’s see how mentoring stacks up:

Offer Solutions. Probably true, but not always. Certainly a mentor can have ideas and suggestions. But I also imagine many mentors would encourage you to find your own solutions, rather than just telling you what to do. More to the point, what are their suggestions based on? What is their specific expertise in communications?

Individual needs. Also possible. The fact that it’s a personal relationship does suggest that. But their ability to assess those needs is limited by their lack of expertise as a communication coach. (Starting to detect a theme?)

Expertise. Bingo! Unless your mentor happens to be a communication coach or some other professional communicator, mentoring simply does not provide the necessary expertise.

Develop new habits. Maybe, but only by accident. Meaning, since mentoring is generally an on-going relationship, you might develop some new habits on your own based on hearing similar advice over a period of time. But that’s not the focus of the relationship. And it may not happen at all.

With all due respect to my friend who sent the note, mentoring is great, but it’s not the same thing as coaching. And it’s certainly not the same as communication coaching.

The analogy that comes to mind is a professional athlete who has a parent who was also a professional athlete. Yes, the parent has been there. Yes, they were good at what they did. Yes, they have plenty of helpful wisdom to share. But can you imagine a pro athlete saying to their coach, “Sorry, I don’t need to listen to you because I’ve got my Dad or Mom to help me out.” It just wouldn’t happen. Nor should it with communication.

Where does mentoring fit in? I see it as a parallel relationship, something on the side. It’s great to have. And your mentor might make for a good feedback buddy. But rarely will they also be the best choice for your communication coach. Nor should they be. Mentoring and coaching are completely different roles and relationships. They really should be filled by different people.

In my mind, it’s a funny, self-deprecating story that introduces the idea of “communication gaps”—the difference between our intentions and the perceptions of others—and shows that even the author of a book on effective communication is not immune to them. Unfortunately, not everyone saw it that way. The day after John’s email went out, he got this response:

“Has this guy ever been pulled over? What kind of wise guy just says “yes”? A real QBQ’er would have followed up with “would you like to see them” or even better have them already out and hanging out the window. Not just “YES”. The world does not speak literally most of the time it is sporadic and figuratively. Good communication involves listening and follow up. Your buddy was being a wise guy, he was endangering the public by going 50% faster than he should have in a residential zone and then wasted an officers time by splitting hairs.

QBQ: What can I do to not waste this officers time and endanger the public?”

It goes without saying that he missed the point. But really, he missed pretty much everything. Where did I suggest that this was an example of QBQ! behavior on my part, or that I thought I had handled it well? The answer is: nowhere. In fact, the whole story was really sending the opposite message. But he saw it differently.

The more I thought about it, what struck me was that the writer essentially had the same reaction as the officer: wise guy; thinks he’s clever; endangering the public. (For the record, it was not in a residential zone. Also, I would never intentionally go 50% faster than the posted speed limit. I thought the limit was 35. Doesn’t make it okay, of course, but 42 in a 35 is a lot better than 42 in a 30—and frequently would not even have been ticketed.) So even after all the explanation, I was still having a communication gap, at least with this one reader. I thought that was funny.

I must confess, though, that before I found it funny, I was tempted to think things like, “What an idiot! He totally missed the point. And what sort of jerk would think it was his duty to “educate” the author by sending them this sort of negative, judgmental garbage?!”

OK, that was a lame confession. I wasn’t just tempted—that’s exactly what I was thinking. Not pretty, I know, but true. And I imagine many people would have had similar thoughts. But that’s the problem, especially for managers and leaders. What if I worked with this person? What if I was his manager?

The real point of this story to me is that we have to find a way to be effective with those around us, no matter who they are or how different from us they may be. And negative thoughts like mine, even when they’re justified, only stand in our way of doing that. No, some people never get past their sour, negative, judgmental ways—and this can make them extremely difficult to deal with. That’s one of the reasons we have to be so careful about who we hire and put on our team in the first place. But once they’re there, it becomes our job to make it work.

If you’re wondering, there are some specific communication techniques that may help. Which ones I’d recommend would depend on having a deeper understanding of the situation between you and the other person. But the most important thing is to get into the right frame of mind to begin with. In other words, to take ownership of the problem. We can deny and avoid and complain all we want. But the only accountable choice is to look to ourselves and do our best to figure it out. Will we solve every problem? No. Will better communication make a difference? Not every time. But we still have to try.

Got a wise guy on your team? I feel for you. Now get to work on making it better.  :-)

In the basic exercise, the researcher would say something along the lines of, “You can have one piece of candy now, or, if you wait, you can have four,” and see which the child picked. They did this various times, using candy, stickers, and toy cars for different scenarios. (Peter cleaned up, by the way, thank you very much.)

In trying to influence the child’s choice, they tried two different methods: one was to tell the child directly (“I think you should wait so you can get all four pieces of candy.”); the other was to tell them a story in which it was clear that waiting was better. The results? In what will surely be no surprise to any parent, telling the child directly doesn’t work. Telling stories, on the other hand, does.

Now, this study had to do with particular aspects of childhood development, so I can’t say if it applies to adults or not, from a scientific perspective. But, from a communication coaching perspective, it definitely does. The fact is, stories can communicate ideas in ways that direct suggestions simply can’t. Here’s an excerpt from Don’t Just Talk on the subject:

“Imagine for a moment that you’d like your team to take ownership, have integrity, and be committed to service. Which of these approaches do you think would be the more effective way to get that message across?

A) Tell them. “You need to take ownership, have integrity, be focused on service.”

B) Show them, with a story. “I was talking to Barbara the other day and she told me a great story about a customer . . . [ insert story here ] . . . and I thought that was so perfect, because it showed such ownership, integrity, and commitment to service on her part. But the best of all was I could tell how good she felt about how it worked out!”

At the risk of stating the obvious, B is the better way.”

If there’s an important point you want to get across to your people, especially if it has to do with attitudes and behaviors, don’t just tell them. Tell them a story instead.

The good news, I suppose, was that he seemed to be enjoying himself.  But enjoying your work is one thing.  Enjoying yourself at work is something else entirely, and not necessarily a good thing, at least from an employer’s perspective.  And by the way, this was not a teenager talking, if you’re wondering.  If I had to guess, I’d put him in his late 30s to early 40s.  Also, let me say that I have no problem with people drinking, in general.  (Though 8 beers does sound a bit excessive.)  My concern is with the message his conversation sends to me as a customer, and the questions it raises in my mind.  Does he have a drinking problem?  Should I be concerned about him?  Is he drunk right now?  Does management know?  Is this some sort of drink-friendly grocer?  They do seem chipper.  Is there something else going on?  Are other staff members drunk too?

You see my problem?  Or, actually, their problem?  I don’t think these are the thoughts they want me to have while I’m in their store.  I think they’d rather I was thinking what great service they give me, and how well cared for, understood and appreciated I feel when I’m there.

Now, to be fair, I do feel cared for, understood and appreciated by this particular store.  I’m a loyal customer.  So, this situation wasn’t really a problem for me.  But what if I didn’t already feel that way?  What if I was still forming my opinions as to whether I wanted to shop there?  That phone call scene might be all it took for me to decide to go somewhere else.  Can they really afford to drive people to their competitors?

At the very least, it was a lost opportunity.  Think of the difference if he had been focused on me instead.  If, as he saw me approach, he had offered a quick smile and said, “How are you doing today?  Anything I can help you find?”   Rather then pushing me away, he would have anchored in my mind the very messages they want to send.  Isn’t that the better way to go?

“I care about you. How can I help?”  These are the messages you want send.  So, whenever a customer is within eyesight or ear-shot, don’t have personal conversations with other staff, side discussions about work issues, or cell phone conversations with drinking buddies.  Just keep the focus on the customer, and how you can serve them.

When does it not make sense?  Pretty much anytime other than that.  For instance,  I’m trying to order a pizza.  They put me on hold.  It’s taking forever.  My life is passing before my eyes, it’s taking so long.  Finally, they come back on:  ”Can I help you?”

“I’d like to order a pizza for delivery.”

“Not a problem.”

No.  That’s not right.  Putting aside the fact that I’ve been on hold so long that I missed my kid’s graduation, you guys sell pizzas.  I’m not asking for anything out of the ordinary, not asking for any special favors.  I’m just ordering a pizza.  So under no scenario is it appropriate that you might have considered that to be an imposition.  You see what I’m saying?  But when you say, “Not a problem”, that’s what I have to wonder.  Your words send my mind off to processing land where I have to spend considerable time and energy sorting out the mess. Does he really think I’m imposing?  Probably not.  He seems nice enough.  But still, what if he does?  Should I be pissed?  I think I might be pissed. How dare he?  Who does he think he is? And so on.  Is that helpful to you?  Is “difficult-struggle-anger” the association you want me to have with your services?  I don’t think so.

I know.  I’m ranting.  Sorry.  But I’m hearing this all the time now, in all the wrong situations, and it’s driving me nuts.

Instead of “not a problem,” say, “okay, great” or “fantastic, what would you like?” or “great, thanks for calling.”  Something like that.  Also, sometimes I hear people say “not a problem” in response to “thank you.”  Again, please don’t.  Unless it was a special favor, that sends the wrong message.  Much better would be a simple, “you’re welcome” or “happy to help.”

This might seem like a small thing to get so worked up about.  (And some of it might just be me.)  But at the same time, the things we say matter.  The words we choose have specific meanings.  So it’s better to use the right ones.  It’s clearer, more respectful, and ultimately more effective.  It’s certainly easier on cranky old me.