Closing the Gap Between What You Say and What People Hear

Mentor or Communication Coach?

I got a nice note back from a Don’t Just Talk reader the other day. The note basically said, “Really enjoyed the book, thanks. One thing though: Rather than coaching, I’ve always relied on mentoring, and recommend mentoring to other leaders too. Just another thought.”

First, let me say that this is a really good guy who I like a lot. He’s a senior-level leader with a large healthcare organization. But to suggest that mentoring is a substitute for communication coaching, well, to quote Marge from the movie Fargo, “I’m not sure I agree with your police work there, Lou.”

Consider this excerpt from Don’t Just Talk:

“It might seem like getting feedback would be enough to help you make the changes you want, but feedback only goes so far. Here are some of the differences between feedback and coaching:

Feedback doesn’t offer solutions. It’s easy for someone to say whether they like something or not. Having suggestions for what to do differently is another matter. Coaches have suggestions.

Feedback is not based on your individual needs. The reason I need to spend time with a client at the beginning of a program is so I can assess their needs. Which gaps do they have? What negative assumptions are working against them? What are their goals for themselves? How do their various relationships factor into the equation? Without knowing that, I can’t be sure my advice would be helping them—and it could even hurt. Coaches can assess your needs and adjust their recommendations accordingly.

Feedback lacks expertise. I can say with great confidence that I am not the person to give anyone tips on their golf swing. Nor, I imagine, would Tiger Wood’s swing coach be the best choice to help someone communicate more effectively. (Unless, perhaps, their concern is about effectively addressing the ball.) A lot of people can have an opinion, but advice from someone who has expertise on the subject at hand is generally more helpful. Coaches have expertise.

Feedback doesn’t develop new habits. Say you’re working on a presentation and you ask someone for feedback. Even if their comments help you improve that presentation, what about the next one? Without developing new habits and behaviors, you’ll be starting over every time. And the only way to develop new habits is through a process—consistent work over a period of time. Feedback tends to be a single interaction. Coaching is a process.”

Okay, so that’s feedback vs. coaching. Now let’s see how mentoring stacks up:

Offer Solutions. Probably true, but not always. Certainly a mentor can have ideas and suggestions. But I also imagine many mentors would encourage you to find your own solutions, rather than just telling you what to do. More to the point, what are their suggestions based on? What is their specific expertise in communications?

Individual needs. Also possible. The fact that it’s a personal relationship does suggest that. But their ability to assess those needs is limited by their lack of expertise as a communication coach. (Starting to detect a theme?)

Expertise. Bingo! Unless your mentor happens to be a communication coach or some other professional communicator, mentoring simply does not provide the necessary expertise.

Develop new habits. Maybe, but only by accident. Meaning, since mentoring is generally an on-going relationship, you might develop some new habits on your own based on hearing similar advice over a period of time. But that’s not the focus of the relationship. And it may not happen at all.

With all due respect to my friend who sent the note, mentoring is great, but it’s not the same thing as coaching. And it’s certainly not the same as communication coaching.

The analogy that comes to mind is a professional athlete who has a parent who was also a professional athlete. Yes, the parent has been there. Yes, they were good at what they did. Yes, they have plenty of helpful wisdom to share. But can you imagine a pro athlete saying to their coach, “Sorry, I don’t need to listen to you because I’ve got my Dad or Mom to help me out.” It just wouldn’t happen. Nor should it with communication.

Where does mentoring fit in? I see it as a parallel relationship, something on the side. It’s great to have. And your mentor might make for a good feedback buddy. But rarely will they also be the best choice for your communication coach. Nor should they be. Mentoring and coaching are completely different roles and relationships. They really should be filled by different people.

Tags: Communication, communication coach, communication training, david levin, leadership development, leadership training

This entry was posted on Friday, October 2nd, 2009 at 4:49 pm and is filed under Communication. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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