Closing the Gap Between What You Say and What People Hear

In organizations, people need to talk to each other. Sounds obvious, I know, but sometimes there are groups, teams, or departments that just do not communicate with each other very well—even when they’re in the same room! And, even in our high-tech world of virtual meetings, webcasts, and online chats, getting people together still brings tremendous value. Being face-to-face is a fundamental human need that isn’t going away just because we’ve come up with time- and money-saving meeting options. The desire to know our teammates better, to understand their views, and to be connected to them is a powerful one, and it’s still best done in person. And since there is less face time available than ever before—at least in most organizations—it’s even more imperative that the time invested in a gathering be both productive and constructive.

When I first started working with teams, I remember how odd it seemed that people didn’t speak up or communicated in “code,” failing to address real problems Over time, I began to see that there are four levels of conversation or communication among teams and workgroups. “Team talk,” if you will, ranged from non-existent to truly healthy, valuable, and meaningful. I call these levels the “4 D’s” and here they are:

Denial
To call this lowest level “conversation” is really a misrepresentation because there is no talking or communication going on at all. Colleagues, teams, and organizations that are in Denial simply see no problems. And since they believe that all is well, there’s nothing really substantial to discuss.  The truth is, there are always problems, always ways to improve. If people aren’t talking about them it’s either because they aren’t speaking up, complacency has set in, or everyone is speaking in so much code, the problems are being masked. Whatever the cause, Denial is not a good place to be. We could almost call this level of non-communication “Dysfunction Junction,” and teams who live there don’t get much done.

Debate
The next level up is Debate, and is an improvement over Denial, but not by much. The good news with this level is that problems are now being recognized, and people accept that they should be searching for solutions. The bad news is, the objective of any debate is to win. When the goal of a conversation is to defeat the other person, it’s not going to be a very healthy talk. Some people are so competitive they want to “win” even if it hurts the group. The truth is that we should never make the individual more important than the organization, and when people debate possible solutions to problems with the only objective being to take home the Talking Trophy, everyone loses.

Discussion
This next level of conversation is where we begin get somewhere. With Discussion, problems have not only been acknowledged and brought into the light, but people are also more willing to set aside personal agendas and their need to be right in order to solve the problem. Willfulness, defensiveness, and competition recede, while interaction moves toward collaboration.

The word collaborate literally means working (labor) together (co). So at this level, the conversation is less about people, personalities, and personal goals, and more about solving problems—as a team. Sounds better, doesn’t it? Discussion is a pretty good place to be, but it’s still not as good as our fourth and highest level …

Dialogue
In Dialogue, the conversation goes beyond simply talking about problems and how to fix them to working together in an honorable and respectful way. People are listening to each other—and hearing and understanding. There is a kindred spirit that says, We’re all in this together. What can be done to solve this problem? In Dialogue, people want to find the solution—and they don’t care who or where it comes from.

At this level, even people’s body language is different. There are no defensive postures, such as crossed arms, fidgeting, scowls or rolling eyes. Colleagues are facing each other, leaning forward, nodding their heads, making good eye contact, physically demonstrating a desire to understand, to grasp what the other person is saying. There’s a palpable openness in the room, even laughter. Dialogue, more than any of the other D’s, is a fun place to be. For most people, it is gratifying to understand, to be understood, to create and to build—and to solve the darned problem!

Now, in reflecting on the 4 D’s, the goal for any team is to be in Dialogue as often as possible. How do we get there? Take some time, sit down with your team, and explore each level. Use their responses as a measure. Honestly rate your group against the four D’s. At what level do your conversations typically occur? What’s preventing the team from moving higher? What can each person do to help elevate the conversations? And lastly, when we reach the 4th D—Dialogue—what will be the benefits to us all?