Who are you more likely to refer a friend to, someone you really like or someone who’s a jerk? The answer is obvious: You refer the person you like. And therein lies the key to doubling your referrals: Don’t be a jerk.

“That’s great news,” you say, “because we’re NOT jerks!”

Don’t be so sure. From the customer’s perspective, most businesses are. They’re self-absorbed, uncaring, and greedy.

“But we’re not like that,” you protest. “We really do care! How could people possibly think that?”

Easy. Pretend I’m your customer. Here are some common experiences I have of your business:

- Your website talks about your “Amazing!” products, services, and credentials rather than my problems.
- You talk to me in terms I don’t understand.
- You try to sell me things without finding out what I really want and need.
- I’m feeling nervous, unsure, frightened or frustrated but you don’t notice or care.
- When I call or come to your office it feels like I’m putting you out.
- You’re always trying to sell me something more.

See? Self-absorbed. Uncaring. Greedy. In other words, your business is a jerk. Sorry. No wonder you’re not getting more referrals!

What’s really going on here is that your words and actions are sending major “disconnect” messages to your customers. The three messages people need to “hear” in order to feel connected to you are, I respect you; I understand you; I care about you. But the behaviors above send the opposite messages.

Here’s a simple solution – and this is the key to doubling your referrals:

1) Think through every interaction/experience your customers have with your company.

2) For each one, ask yourself these questions:

- Are my words and actions sending the messages, respect, understand, care?
- If not, what can I do differently to send those messages?

3) Do whatever you come up with.

4) Repeat.

Evaluating your customer’s experience from the respect/understand/care perspective will transform your business. Customers will actually like you (your business) – and maybe even love you – rather than thinking you’re a jerk. Most important, they’ll start telling their friends. Voila!  You’ll double your referrals – and then some!

For the next thirty days, take a good look at all the messages your business sends. Cut out any disconnects. Start sending the three connecting messages. Thirty days from now your business will be operating at a whole new level.

… and note the company I’m keeping. Jim Collins? Dale Carnegie? My goodness. I’m huge! :-)

Anyway, that’s it. Just a little news about ME. Sorry if that’s weird, I’m just super excited.

Next time I promise it’ll be about you again. :-)

Thanks!

How can you get things back on track?

First, know that you have to do it. An ongoing situation like this can be a real problem. It’s a distraction, a big drain on your energy, and the negativity seeps into everything you do.

To fix it, step one is to have an honest discussion with the other person. Fun!

Okay, not fun. But definitely necessary. And you’ll be surprised how quickly it feels better, assuming you go at it with the right approach.

Here’s a guide to get you started:

1) Begin with an observation about the current state of the things. Keep it as objective as possible. “It seems to me we have not been working that well together.”

2) Own up to your part in it. “I want to apologize for whatever part I’ve played in that. I know I don’t always communicate as well as I could.”

3) Show respect and appreciation. “If I’ve ever given you the impression that I don’t respect you or appreciate what you do I want to apologize for that, too, because I definitely do.”

4) Share a positive vision for the future. “I would love for us to work better together and for things to feel better between us, and I definitely think both of those are possible.”

5) Invite them to comment. “I just wanted to share that with you and see if you had any thoughts or ideas for how we could improve things.”

If you have a work relationship in need of repair, beginning your conversation in this way may be all it takes to turn things around. At the very least, it will go a long way towards getting things back on track and feeling better for everyone involved.

Today’s the day! I know you can do it. I know you’re going to be happy you did.

Be Heard!

David

There’s a powerful lesson here for the rest of us, too. So it’s worth watching through the end. (Sorry, this one is a little long. (9mins) I’ll get back to shorter ones next time.)

Enjoy!

Anyway, click here for the story and some thoughts on why that is – and how you can avoid the same mistakes in your own life.

(pdf transcript)

Anyway, here’s a little video with some thoughts on the subject. I hope you enjoy it!
(pdf transcript) [ Note: Near the end, I mention clicking the "share button below" to pass this on to others. To do that, you'll have to watch the video on YouTube, rather than here. Thanks! ]

The cover story of the current issue of the TASBO Reporter (Texas Association of School Business Officials‘ quarterly publication) is a piece I wrote called, “Make your next school board presentation a winner.” But the tips apply equally well to anyone, especially if they need to present information their audience doesn’t want to hear. (I hope that’s not you. :-) But if it is, this should help!)

If you know someone in education – or anyone with bad news to share – please pass it on. (Click on the article title below to donwload the PDF)  And as always, let me know if there’s anything I can do to help you, too!

Enjoy!

Article PDF: TASBO Article

Hey. There was a problem with those numbers from Tuesday’s meeting. We need to get this straightened out right away. Can you send me the original files so I can take a look? Thanks. DL

This sort of cold, dry communication is very common, especially at work. And it might not seem that bad at first glance, but from my perspective, it’s a communication mistake. Here’s why:

1) It’s a disconnect. Whenever we interact with someone, if we don’t make some sort of human connection, the message it sends is, “I don’t care about you,” which is about the worst message of all for being heard.

2) It diminishes our effectiveness over the long term. Once someone suspects we don’t care about them, they deal with us in a completely different way. They’re guarded, suspicious, much less cooperative. In other words, our influence and impact go out the window. And someone without influence and impact with others is simply not going to be successful.

3) It’s the opposite of what works. In order to be heard, people first need to be open to what we have to say. “Connect, then communicate” is the key to being heard, not the other way around.

The solution? Lead with the Relationship. Meaning, talk to the other person as a person before you get into all the the details and information.

Now, if you’re someone who uses email precisely to AVOID all the “How are you?” “How are the kids?” sort of nonsense, I’m sorry. This must be disappointing. :-) But the truth is, you don’t have to talk about personal things. You just need to make some basic, human connection.

Take our example from above. Here’s how a “Lead with the Relationship” approach might look instead:

Hey, Mark. How’s it going? Say, I know this is a hassle, especially with all we have going on right now, but there was a problem with those numbers from Tuesday’s meeting, and we need to get it straightened out right away. Can you send me the original files so I can take a look? Thanks! Appreciate it. DL

No personal stuff there. Just a few extra words in the greeting, a quick empathy nod to the hassle factor (the most important part), and a more personal sign-off. (Closing with the relationship is a good idea, too.) Easy as pie! But it feels quite different and sends a much more effective message, overall. Yes, it takes a little more time and thought, but not that much. And it’s definitely worth it.

Assignment: Try this out for yourself for the next few days, and let me know how it goes. I think you’ll really feel the difference.

“Lead with the Relationship.” And let the good times roll!

Be Heard!

Start hearing the women on your team.

Whoa! Calm down! You didn’t think I meant YOU, did you? Certainly not! I’m sure you don’t have a problem with this. It’s all those OTHER guys out there.

Or is it?

Let me tell you a story I heard recently. A client of mine was frustrated because she, and all the women on her team, didn’t feel they were being heard by the rest of the team. (Read: By the men on the team.) So she decided to run an experiment. She had an idea she wanted to present at the next meeting. She enlisted a male colleague in the experiment, and told him the idea too. The plan was, she would offer up her idea first. Then, 15 minutes later, he would offer up virtually the same idea, phrased slightly differently. Guess what happened?

    Response to her idea: “Okay, that’s interesting. Thanks.”
    Response to “his” idea: “Hey, what a great idea!”

In case you think this is an isolated incident, every woman I’ve told the story to says the same thing: “I’m not the least bit surprised.”

Are you surprised? Is this happening on your team? Are you sure? If I were you, I’d make sure, because if it is, it’s costing you, big time. Share this article with the women on your team, or, for that matter, with anyone you think of as being “different” from you. Ask them, “Am I doing this? Are you not feeling heard? What could I do to be better about this?”

The bad news? You might not like what you hear. The good news, though, is that it’s an incredible opportunity for you. There’s a tremendous source of great ideas and passion just waiting to be put to use in helping you and your team stand out and succeed. And the best part is, it’s completely free! All you have to do is start hearing everyone on your team, no matter who they are, no matter how different from you they may seem to be.

A sales team of twenty people were competing with each other in a friendly, month-long contest. At their end-of-month meeting, the manager got up and announced the two winners. Everything was fun and upbeat … until he said this: “If the rest of you slackers were as intelligent and hard-working as these two, maybe you’d have been up here!”

See what I mean? “Motivation through Shame and Insults!” What was he thinking? (It didn’t work, by the way. The team was furious.) Sadly, this sort of thing happens every day, and it boggles the mind. How can you explain it? I mean, seriously, don’t they know?

Here’s the thing: they don’t know. And that’s the key to the whole problem.

If you asked him, I’m sure that manager would agree that insulting and shaming people was a bad idea. But he did it anyway. Why? From what I’ve seen, the most likely explanation is that he simply didn’t realize his words were insulting and shaming.

The truth is, people don’t generally do things they think are stupid. In fact, people usually have the opposite intentions: they think what they’re doing will be helpful, or that it will connect them with others. It doesn’t seem like it at times, but people’s intentions are almost always good, even when their actions send a different message. I know this was the case with the manager in our story. But instead of running what he was going to say past someone ahead of time, he went in there with only his good intentions, and winged it. The result? Bonehead move! And a major hit to his effectiveness as a leader.

The lesson?

“Don’t Wing it. Work on it!”: Plan and Get Feedback.

Bonehead moves like these happen to all of us, and they cost us more than you can imagine. They keep us from having the influence and impact we could, and from being as successful as we – and the whole team – otherwise would.

Don’t make the same mistake. Start planning what you’re going to say and getting feedback on your plans. I know it takes a little more time, and you need to find the right person to give you feedback. But you won’t believe the difference it will make in your work and life. And not doing it is simply too costly.